The post-Spielberg generation of fanboy filmmakers has a few things to learn. I’m talking about the boys who grew up thinking that Indiana Jones is the slickest hero ever, E.T. is the most benevolent force in the universe, and the alien coming out of John Hurt’s chest in “Alien” is the scariest thing in the world. They’re coming of age now, and their paying homage to their myth-maker.
We saw the first extreme homage in last summer’s “Super 8,” J.J. Abrams’ pleasant trip down ’80s memory lane that ultimately rips off more than it can chew. Now, one of the members of The Lonely Island, Akiva Schaffer, is here to give us his Spielberg tribute with “The Watch.” It’s less of a carbon copy and more tongue-in-cheek parody, but that still doesn’t make its rancid treatment of Spielberg’s hallowed material any less acceptable.
Even without its frequent invocation of the action-movie deity, “The Watch” would still have disappointed on comedic standards. When I say I didn’t laugh once, I mean it. No exaggeration. I did smirk on one occasion, though: a cameo appearance by Andy Samberg.
It’s a failure from concept for writers Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, whose résumés include the uproarious “Superbad” and the gut-wrenchingly hilarious “Pineapple Express.” Unless that concept was to replicate the experience of being waterboarded, in which case congratulations are in order. It’s time to screen this movie for the President, I’m sure he needs some new enhanced interrogation techniques at Guantanamo (which is still open despite his first day in office pledge).
“Got protection,” the film’s slogan asks. So I’d like to ask you to protect yourself and not see “The Watch.” Some movies you can’t unwatch. You can’t get that time back.
Protect yourself from yet another Ben Stiller uptight straight-man grating on your last nerve; let’s be real, that one was already getting dated back in 2004′s “Along Came Polly.” Protect yourself from the latest iteration of the Vince Vaughn sassily obstreperous man-child. Protect yourself from a reprisal of Jonah Hill’s disturbed character from “Cyrus” that is reborn here totally humorless. Protect yourself from the self’-conscious tokenism casting of Richard Ayoade, which ultimately devolves into outright racism. To use the obvious pun, don’t watch “The Watch.” Pop “E.T.” into the DVD player for a twentieth viewing. D /