Believe it or not, I really don’t mind talking animal kids movies. I risk my credibility in saying this, but I actually kind of liked “Beverly Hills Chihuahua.” I would rather watch “Alvin and the Chipmunks” than several movies nominated for Best Picture this decade. But “G-Force” does not have the stuff to be a guilty pleasure; in fact, it doesn’t really give any sort of pleasure whatsoever. There were only small giggles in the theater, even from the kids. It’s a hodgepodge of kids movie clichés that fails to provide anything new and worthwhile.
The talking animals this time are guinea pigs (voiced by Salma Hayek, “30 Rock”‘s Tracy Morgan, and “Frost/Nixon”‘s Sam Rockwell) who call themselves “G-Force” and are trained to be FBI operatives. I had struggled over a brief plot summary for the movie, but when I realized that I had written more for this dreadful movie than I had for “(500) Days of Summer,” I decided not to be so magnanimous and to make some massive cuts. Because anybody who reads this blog would surely not in their right mind go see this movie by choice but rather because they are being dragged by their kids. In addition, the movie really doesn’t have much of a plot. So, to summarize, the first half involves G-Force’s escape to a pet store after a failed mission and their eventual reunion, and the second half plays out like a bad parody of “Transformers” where Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox are replaced by guinea pigs.
I know that well-developed characters might be too much to ask from a kid’s movie, but it honestly feels like each of the guinea pigs just say the same thing every time their tiny mouths open. Tracy Morgan’s is always trying to get Salma Hayek’s to go out with him, Salma Hayek’s is always cryptically speaking about who she likes, and Sam Rockwell’s is always trying to sound valiant.
I do appreciate that kid’s movies try to add a little bit of adult humor to make it enjoyable for all. The “Shrek” movies are infinitely funnier now that I have grown up and get every little joke. However, in “G-Force,” it just falls flat on its face. I have never rolled my eyes so many times in such a short span. The absolute worst comes whenever one of the guinea pigs fights a coffeemaker that has come to life, it jumps in the air and yells, “Yippie-ki-yea, coffeemaker!” Yeah, it’s THAT bad.
I was always peeved growing up by how the critics reviewed kids movies. I thought that they overanalyzed everything as if they expected it to be the eventual Oscar winner for Best Picture. And although they might have been a little overly critical, I now see it from their perspective. But I also try to consider the perspective of the target audience, the tykes. And even they didn’t seem to be riveted by “G-Force.” It is possible to make a kids movie that is fun for all ages (see: Pixar), and this one doesn’t satiate any age. C- /