REVIEW: Final Destination 5

11 08 2011

In a sense, “Final Destination 5” is one of the most effectual movies of the summer because it delivers exactly what it promises.  The movie is a sadist’s paradise, delivering ludicrously bloody and disgusting deaths in rapid succession.  It’s flagrant disregard for respecting humanity is raging like Charlie Sheen on cocaine, and if you know that and want that going in, chances are you will be very satisfied.  (Another word of advice – if you have even the slightest desire to see this movie, pay to see it with a crowd.)

For those people, the movie’s death sequences coupled with some crafty use of 3D for extra gross-out effect makes for some wicked fun.  Forget the horror, there’s nothing scary about this movie unless you are really that stupid and can’t pick up on the foreshadowing that’s made about subtle as a shotgun.  What I said about the last installment of the series rings even truer now than it did two years ago: “It’s not easy to make death laughable, but [the “Final Destination” series] does it with ease.”

But what everyone really wants to see is a YouTube-style montage of nauseating deaths; technology keeps pushing us more and more towards an instant gratification society, and we really don’t want to trifle with anything unnecessary.  Turns out in “Final Destination 5,” death comes often but never quickly enough for our desire.  We have to watch D-list actors try to act and play characters, which is just painful.  I hope this movie serves as their audition to never act again.  We have to sit through someone trying to weave together the deaths with a plot, a thankless and pointless job if ever there were one.  We also have to watch whoever directed this movie work step-by-step through a “My First Horror Movie” kit.  If only it wasn’t so graphic, this would be a great way to introduce first graders to conventions of storytelling because it’s so basic and watered-down.

Thankfully, what we really want from the movie comes before the end credits in the form of a 3D rendition of all the nasty deaths in the series so far.  But in the hour and a half before that, bring your barf bag if you’re easily nauseated and check your standards and dignity at the door so you can enjoy people dying by Acupuncture and lasik eye surgery with as few inhibitions as possible.  Perhaps by the time we get to “Final Destination 10,” the people involved in the series will find a way to make life’s other inevitability, taxes, equally as entertaining.  C / 

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