Marshall and the Movies

So apparently James Cameron wants our money again for “Avatar.”  As if he didn’t make enough on the rerelease in theaters, the first DVD release, and the record-shattering first release. Now, there is “Avatar: Extended Collector’s Edition.”  This time, Cameron is so nice he’s even going to include bonus features!

Here’s what NPR‘s Linda Holmes wants to see included:

1. Alternate audio track in which the humans speak Latin and the Na’vi speak Klingon

2. Deleted cameo by Steve Martin as shorts-wearing waiter who serves wine on Jake and Neytiri’s first date

3. “Behind The Making Of 17 Featurettes” featurette

4. Locker-sized Jake Sully poster with “AVATAR” spelled out in pink bubble letters

5. Bonus video: “How To Make Your Own Motion-Capture Feature Film Using A Disposable Camera, A Utility Knife, A Car Battery And 400 Ping-Pong Balls”

6. Blooper reel, including embarrassing love-scene moment where hair braid is accidentally inserted into ear

7. Secrets Of The Flying Horsey Thing

8. Feature-length commentary by James Cameron comparing every scene to similar but slightly inferior sequence in The Hurt Locker.

9. Alternate audio track in which every long and thoughtful pause is accompanied by “The Syncopated Clock.”

10. Teaser trailer for Avatar 2: The Day The Giant Magic Trees Turned.

While all those things are worthy of a good laugh and worthy of my money, I don’t plan on buying “Avatar” on DVD until it comes with a program to turn yourself into a Na’Vi with the full body suit and I can add myself into the background of every scene.  The movie will be on HBO in the next month or so, and the special features will pop up on YouTube soon enough.