Marshall and the Movies

What were you doing this new year’s eve?  I hope you were celebrating with those you love or just celebrating in general.  But if you happened to be at the movie theater, I pray that you were nowhere near the egregious load of crap disguised as a movie called “New Year’s Eve.”  If you were one of those looking to get in the holiday spirit, I surmise you walked out not blissful for the year to come but rather disgusted that movies like this are allowed to exist.

Only see the movie for the following reasons:

1. You for some reason like to watch bad actors doing bad acting.  Yes, Katherine Heigl, you should not have spit in Judd Apatow’s face because he actually gave you a multi-dimensional character.  Now, enjoy being stuck in movies like this and “Life As We Know It” for the rest of your life.  Zac Efron … it’s official, your glory days were in the “High School Musical” era.  And in case you need a reminder, many musicians can’t act – looking at you, Ludacris and Jon Bon Jovi.  Oh, and Lea Michele too, who somehow to forgot how to act between “Spring Awakening” and “New Year’s Eve,” picking up how to be a gratingly obnoxious diva.  (Wait, she got that from “Glee!”  Thanks a lot, Ryan Murphy…)

2. You for some reason like to watch good actors doing bad acting.  Can you count the Oscar wins and nominations on this poster?  13 Oscar nominations and 5 wins.  While we can’t get the Academy to reclaim the statues (and indeed they shouldn’t), we as a public can take away their credibility and prestige.  I just don’t understand why Robert DeNiro can’t seem to stop the out-of-control downward spiral that is his career.  Strangely enough, the most unbearable members of the cast is a horserace between two-time Oscar champion Hilary Swank and three-time Oscar nominee Michelle Pfeiffer.  Any good will for a career comeback after “Hairspray” just went down the drain.

3. You for some reason like to watch comedians not being funny.  It’s apparent Seth Meyers needs the writers room at “SNL” to be even remotely comedic.  Ashton Kutcher, meanwhile, makes you want to pull your eardrums out with his pathetic excuse for a character.  Sofia Vergara does a poor imitation of her character on “Modern Family” and only induces eye-rolls as she is given such ridiculous and borderline sexist/racist dialogue.  The funniest people in the movie might be the people who aren’t trying to be, like Josh Duhamel trying to be suave and just coming off as a self-obsessed amateur actor.  Or Abigail Breslin trying to be so mature and grown-up in a movie that clearly has no idea what modern adolescence is actually like.  Or Hilary Swank and her fear of heights which should be simple for an Oscar winner – but could be played more convincingly by a five year-old.

4. You for some reason like movies that come together as fast as my movie reviews do (and I whip them out pretty fast).  It took Garry Marshall all of two seconds to say, “What’s another holiday that we can make a movie about?” and some poor assistant to suggest New Year’s Eve.  He then had that assistant call every agent in Hollywood, and those that didn’t dismiss it as a prank call signed their actors up for a quick paycheck.  For makeup, he hired his 11-year-old granddaughter who made everyone look like they were sunburned (in a New York winter no less) and Michelle Pfeiffer look like the Crypt-Keeper.  For plot, he simply put new names in the “Valentine’s Day” script and then switched the city from Los Angeles and the holiday from Valentine’s Day.

He didn’t have time to revise it, so it has plot holes that you notice while watching, not at midnight when you’re opening the refrigerator.  And then by the time he finished shooting it, the editor didn’t even care anymore.  So never mind that in one shot, the people in Times Square are celebrating January 1, 2011 … and then five minutes later, those same people are wearing hats for New Year’s 2012, conveniently provided by Nivea.  Never mind that there are multiple instances of people talking when their lips aren’t moving.  To say this movie has lousy production values is the biggest understatement of the year.

So, from my point of view. you have to be either a masochist or an idiot to see “New Year’s Eve.”  And if you’ve made it to the end of this review, you no longer qualify as an idiot.  Congratulations on being a masochist … after you buy your tickets on Fandango (or rent it on iTunes or watch it on HBO, depending upon when you read this review), be sure to Google a support group.  D /